Funny...

"You are my star in the night, shining for me baby. Love is so right... I can see it's changing everything..."

People pop into your life at weirdest, unexpected seasons. Mine came the summer of '06.

When someone comes into your life, you don't necessarily ask for them. Sometimes you even wish they don't. However, at some opportune time (maybe when the stars align their path), it just happens without you even wishing for it.

He described it like some sort of Murphy's law. You find the thing you're looking for at the moment that you have stopped searching for it. It may still have been a liner (lolz) but then maybe, after all he was right.

Happiness has always been incomprehensible for me. I found it in the luxury of alcohol and nicotine and "friends" whom your soul cannot connect with completely. I found it in the recesses of my work, in the n square-inch of my aquamarine cubicle amidst the pile of work that sits lazily on my table. Everything though had made a complete turn.

I had always thought that there can never be a time wherein someone really is for you. After all the hurting I've been through and all the pain that I myself caused to a lot of people, love has always been such an effort -- a work that is sometimes too tiring. Some vexation to the spirit. Funny thing is, it just does not quit me.

Yeah, weird things really are on the loose and they were out to get me...

Read More

PMS-ing

One day, you wake up feeling a wild jolt electrocuting some cells in your brain and you flash your eyes wide open wondering where you are. It happened to me today -- darn, of all days, it should have not been today!

My room was not blary -- it was just 5:45 in the morning. I can see stars falling on me (those stupid glow-in-the-dark stickers that I bought turned out to be useless) and the alarm on my phone just won't quit. I tried to close my eyes and give myself an eternity of slumber (calculated at 5 minutes) but I could not bring myself to doze off anymore.

So anyways, I pulled myself up from the bed, literally dragged my arse to the shower, praying that the cold water would finally find its way into waking up my senses. Unfortunately, its way of shaking me was not the one I wished for. I nearly slipped in the bathroom floor (talk about the start of a bad day). Good thing I held on to somethin or else, I would have gone bonkers.

"Wake up, Balot", I mumbled to myself. "Gather yourself up."

The shower helped a little. Pulled on some white tee and khaki jeans for work, had my cup of coffee and took off. Traffic was not so bad and in a jiffy, here I am in the office already. I am currently trying to assess the bad vibes... There is nothing to feel bad or sad about actually. Maybe it's just one of those hormonal imbalances at this time of the month. Yep, maybe. I always get into this rollercoaster of emotions -- feeling really, really down without REALLY knowing why...

aarrggghhh...

Read More

Sugar and Spice

I've long thought that I am some sort of "kabalan" (an Ilonggo word somehow equivalent to frigidity) in this relationship "game" but now, in the middle of things, I fumble and get caught up with all the apprehensions that I believed long escaped my pages.

With all the things that happened to me in the past, a lot of them were quite awful -- I just would not want to f*ck things up again. I mean, I had my share of heartaches and also brought pain to a number of undeserving people and such pain (to me or to the other party) is something that is not quite lucrative or enticing to entertain.

Sigh...

Relationships are sugar and spice but they are not necessarily all nice. Cynical yes, I am but life can be such a big joke sometimes that things and people comically pop up in your life without those encounters ever entering your wildest dreams and anticipations.

Haaayy.... Sometimes I wish I would not have to undergo the extremities of happiness, pain, sadness and all that come in between.

Sometimes, I wish I just could not feel at all.

Read More

Everything???

**One moment it fits exactly what I felt, and just with one message, everything crumbled into bits and pieces...

I'm finding the more I see the more I can see
Now I'm not hiding anymore

Come on baby Let me know how you feel
Come on take me I can see this is real

Ever since your love filled my life I see it's changing everything
Don't you know the way you move me
It's so right, it's better than anything

You are the star in the night
Shining for me baby Love is so right
Come on I'm feeling everything.

You know me in a way like no one ever before
You hold me forever

-Everything lyrics by Kaskade

Read More

Dreams

I sat at the bar drinking my banana-mint mix (which was beautifully colored green), oblivious to the partying crowd around me. This is one of those times when I am effortlessly absorbed in my thoughts (blank thoughts, sadly) and just park all that is going around me. I closed my eyes as Kaskade was spinning his It's You, It's Me track and lunged forward to find myself outside of my body -- astral projection... (I am weird so bear with it!)

"Hey..." Someone nudged me as he took a seat beside me and was gulping his own alcohol.

"Hi." I saw myself smiling in spite of me.

Maybe it was the alcohol.

"Why are you alone?" He said as he fixed his white beach polo and scanned the crowd.

"I'm a loner, remember?" I muttered as the music blared on my ears and people were dancing like maniacs.

"Yeah, and I am unfriendly 99% of the time." He said as his lips curved into a lazy smile.

"Well, then, thanks for that 1%" I replied. "That's gotta be something, y'know!"

"Yeah..." He shrugged. "More booze?"

"Naah..." I shook my head and looked at my empty glass. "I think I need some fresh air... and solitude."

He stood up and we went outside the beach club. He was towering and I wished I was not this petite (or call it short, whatever euphemism you want). The sea was calmly splashing tiny waves at the shore and we sat down on the sand. The stars were lining the horizon and the distant pounding of the drums seemed like we were in a different galaxy.

Silence.

"So..." we simultaneously blurbed. We laughed.

"You first..." Second time.

"Are you an echo or something?" I smiled as I gathered some sands between my palm.

"Not really." He shrugged.

We talked about lots of things -- books, movies, Math (geeks), the beach, alcohol, cigarettes...

"I seldom meet coniotic guys..." I said as I glanced sideways at him.

"I am not..."

"Yeah, right. Kill me." I raised an eyebrow. "You wear a white top, paired it with white cotton pants and white Havaianas... guys don't do that. Gays do."

"Crazy." He said as he puffed some free Dunhill cigarettes that we got from the party. "Want to stroll?"

"Yeah."

It was two in the morning and everybody was still in their party mood. The alcohol was starting to take its toll and I want to tone it down a little by shedding off some sweat and take some steps.

"You want water?" He offered.

"Yes, please." I smiled as he walked away to buy the liquid. After just some few sec, he returned.

"You kinda look like my mom..." He said as he took a gulp.

"Is that a pick-up line?"

Read More

When Creative Juices...

...start pouring in.

I seldom blog these days... I don't know. Maybe it is because I am bombarded by work or because there is actually nothing interesting to talk about. Or maybe I was taken aback (just a little, kiddo!) because you know how blogs work.. They sort of pop up in all forms of viewing in the Internet and I respect my privacy(yeah, right!). Or maybe the hell not.

But there are almost those times when you just want to click on the keyboard like some oxymoron and you abandon all your apprehensions because you are in a dire need to write. Or better yet, in a dire need to pour something that you know, are non-existential to your unknown readers and you want their frigging attention or the pathetic need of sympathy. I don't know where I would categorize my blogging at this point of time.

But really, there is nothing important to talk about. I could actually just blab about my two cups of caffeine consumption or the nicotine fix that I had just a while ago (to once again wrinkle my epithelial cells and corrupt my lungs) for the sake of conversation... one-sided conversation, that is.

But anyway...

The sun shines brightly outside and it is not in any sense, that enticing. I never wanted to have some deadly skin cancer. I am alone in my office, people actually had their lunches outside (it is Friday and it is a URC habit) but I am comfortable here in the office, clicking some words away and forgetting about work for some alone minutes. My mug of coffee is looking wistfully at me, implying a message that I do not have any energy to decode. I just sit back and close my eyes for a split-second, thinking of what to write and realizing that there is, in fact, something that I want to share.

I had this really weird feeling that something is not going on exactly as I want to. Of course, people don't necessarily get all the things that they wish for and I could just be thankful that I have a salary to spend, friends to have coffee and real conversation with, jokes I laugh at and all stuff like that but there is something missing. It is too early for me to say that I am having a quarter-life crisis but it is something that, yeah describes all that I feel at this age in time.

I was so giddy to get out of college, move out from the province and get a goddamn life. Not that my parents were strict though ( I got to do all the things that I want, wink!). It is just the lucrativeness (here I go again with my non-dictionary terms) of living away from home and party to sawa and everything that excited me.

But all in all, it has been a roller-coaster kind of life since I moved in Manila. Work is terribly occupying 90% of my time. It is just a good thing that I am in marketing and I got to party and meet other people while in work. But yeah... at this earliest point of time, I am already beginning to question, WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?

I don't know.. Philosophical questions barrage me. I just could knock it over with some sleep and forget about this whole thing but for Chrissake, Balot, get a life!

Sad thing, it has not yet dawned on me what life is it that I really want.

Maybe I just have to go to the mountains again, backpack, look at the stars and find answers to my Paulo Coelho's kindava questions.

Sheesh...

Read More