“When you find your path, you must not be afraid. You need to have sufficient courage to make mistakes. Disappointment, defeat, and despair are the tools God uses to show us the way.” ― Paulo Coelho, Brida
Sometimes, I am tired of waiting for my miracle to happen.
Wait! Before you judge me, indulge me please. I am not superhuman. So allow me to slip just for today because I feel more deeply at this time of the month (crazy PMS!)
I am not bored anymore. In fact, I am enjoying what I do now - handling social media accounts of health brands where I learn a lot of things and writing, of course. All this in between naps, cooking dinners and reading books. Away from traffic. Away from the stiffness of the corporate world. Just me, myself and I in my home office, with my dog Sachi beside me, sleeping on her mat. I am grateful.
But then, there is a reason why I am here doing what I do. I am supposed to be preparing for a little one to form inside my little belly. And each month that it does not happen, a cloud looms over my head. The wait is agonizing. I try to get over it but it gets the better part of me.
Sometimes...
Just like today...
Even the Fates seem to be playing with my feelings. Just the other day, when I was on my way to my immunotherapy session, I was stuck in an elevator full of babies and toddlers! Even the series I am watching is about a pregnant werewolf girl who was given an ultra chic nursery for her baby.
I know that I am in no position to rant. Some couples I know took ten years to conceive. Some weren't that lucky, even. But the despair is coming from not knowing whether to wait or to forget about my dream of having a child. I try to put it out of my mind. I am an eternal burst of sunshine or at least I try to be for several years back. Positivity. Hope. Faith. All those things. I know that I should focus on them. But then, there are times that you just can't escape the feeling.
Today, I slip.
But there is nothing that I can really do about it. I just have to endure. Moments such as this take a lot of willpower to rise up from my gloom. Oh well, another day to live. And wait.
“Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.”
― Paulo Coelho, By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept
xx,
Balot
