I am Corporate Junkie.: March 2006

Mar 30, 2006

I cringe at the sounds of the clicking keyboard
at the doze of the night that stands still
A lonely desolate heart in the midst of an abyss
that keeps on pulling me to the darkness.

The heart cries and bleeds
for the loss of things that were never there
Hallucinations that fed the deception
False promises that chokes til death.

And at the brink of the reality that came too fast
Everything was lost and gone all the same
Of the sham and uncertainties that kept on lingering
the only thing that was left was a broken soul.

-- uolanre, 033006

More Thoughts

"All I wanted to do was collapse in someone's arms and cry today, but there wasn't anyone there to catch me." ~Unknown

"As she sits upon her window sill, she knows that love, love is something she'll never feel.. and her tears keep her company... and she dreams of how it would be.. as she cries."

"A lot of people get flipped out if you're quiet. They say stuff like, 'What are you thinking?' And if they don't start interrogating you, they start talking, going on and on about stuff that's totally irrelevant, and the silence gets so big and loud that it's scary."~A.M. Homes

On Feeling Bad

I feel bad. I don't know if I should be posting this but it feels right to blog this at this very moment. There seems like to be two stones with big biceps grappling my throat and my aorta. I REALLY FEEL BAD.

And then I posted the previous entry. And yet I still feel bad. I browsed KissMyMike's blog and for some reason, his blog even created a worsening hollowness within me. And I feel double extra bad.

How can I get this low? Or better yet, how can I be in this very vulnerable position of ever letting someone make me feel this bad? Maybe the problem is with me... But nah! I wouldn't blame myself. Because I would feel even three times worse. Maybe Mike is right -- well, yes, HE IS RIGHT -- some people are just brilliant in making other people feel bad.

And I thank you for that. For making me feel bad. And also for making me realize that yes, indeed, I exist in my ME MYSELF AND BALOT's world.

Just Blowing some Steam

Isn't it irritating how some people could actually rub on your face so many times that you are a big-time loser? I don't know.

Leaving the management training program was difficult. Not difficult in the sense that I do not know where my professional path is going because I am sure as hell that I would love to be back in Marketing. It was difficult because I knew that from the start, I would be displaced from my group. It is so ironic to feel this way when I always say that I don't give a damn about companionship. I do. But they don't need mine, so why the hell would I bother?

I am an onion-skin despite the hard-core aura that I have. Yeah, I project this ultra insensitive image but deep inside, this situation is tearing me like hell. It is only at this point in time that I realize that my boyfriend's companionship (however I thought how stagnant it became) was my streak of sanity. And now that he's back in Bacolod, I am crumbling into tiny goddamn pieces. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE MY WORK. If I would have made the decision all over again, I would have still left the program and started to do the things that I am doing now. But this feeling of being ostracized and alone is cutting into my rubberlike skin especially when someone, who is so very sensitive enough, keeps on shoving it on my face.

I know I am mababaw to make a big deal out of this but if I don't I would just be "outletting" it to something else. There's a heavy lump on my throat knowing that I AM BITTER and I AM AFFECTED when yes I knew that THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN THE OTHER SIDE of my decision. I just don't feel some sense of belongingness. Well, perhaps I have not really been a part of the groupie.

After all, I am a lonely and desolate corporate junkie on my way towards my corporate dream. And things just need to f*ck up. Who needs perfection anyway?!

Depressive Episodes Part 2

DISCLAIMER: KINDLY REFER TO THE PREVIOUS POST

· I could not remember a lasting happiness or contentment in my life. There’s always this emptiness that ebbs at the surface – a nagging feeling that engulfs me before I go to sleep. And anxiety attacks seldom leave me (palpitating heart, sweaty hands and nauseating mode that sucks).
· I am the perfect epitome of Eeyore. I want to abandon all my dreams, go back to Bacolod, and sleep. No responsibilities. I could just sleep and eat. And Die.
· Guilt? Big-time. A big LOSER stuck on my forehead. I keep on thinking if the decisions I make in life was worth it. I have no idea. Sh*t.
· The activities I once enjoyed – biking, climbing, writing, painting, dancing. – Zilch. Na-da! None of them is part of my 24-part hourglass anymore.
· Energy?! Really? I once thought that it was because I am not taking vitamins.
· Difficulty remembering? – hahaha… you kiddin me? Ask my colleagues.
· Irritability… GUILTY as charged.
· Sleeping too much? Does sleeping 19 hours on a weekend count?
· My change in appetite is a result of my dyspepsia. Okay?! Not because of depression. Shut the friggin up!
· Those were just heart burns I tell you…

· Death? It is amazing. Read VERONIKA DECIDES TO DIE… amazing!

Depressive Episodes Part 1

Signs and symptoms:

Lasting sad, anxious, or empty mood
Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed
Decreased energy, a feeling of fatigue or of being "slowed down"
Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
Restlessness or irritability
Sleeping too much, or can't sleep
Change in appetite and/or unintended weight loss or gain
Chronic pain or other persistent bodily symptoms that are not caused by physical illness or injury
Thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts

Flutesnoot and Friends...

Masochism

Has it ever dawned on you to run and yet dwell on the pain -- look at the things that slap your face with things that could just never happen -- that were never meant to be?

I just did. Thanks to friendster for the realizations. Cheers to me and my martini...

Rip-Off

I always stayed in some sort of darkness.. I don't know... there's just something in it that attracts me... maybe my lunacies again...

Everything came to a freezing pathetic halt. My life blurred in front of me. I pass by that day with a very heavy heart. Work barraged me like some storm and I was not in my utmost condition. I stared at the monitor of my PC doing all the accounting stuff while there is some drilling pain that is killing me inside. Yep, it was not supposed to hurt this way.. But it does. And I don't like a bit of it.

I knew that I am plummeting. I had this weird pseudo-sickness. It's like some psychological arse getting its way into me. I can't speak. My throat hurts like hell. And I am like emitting heat energies from my eyes. Hah!

Haven't had this syndrome for years.

There is absolutely no connection with the things that I am saying. Just some friggin scribbles to pour out all my anxieties. I woke up early this morning and I know I am in deep sh*t... Know why? Coz I cleaned the whole flat again. From every little bloody dust. --cleaning is my only defense mechanism to show that this is something that I can smoothen out among the so many aspects in my life (at least my apartment is clean, that would be one "minus" out of this chaotic darkness that I am in).

I want to sleep. Sleep til all this goes away. Til this rip-off heals. And leave some tear (healed scar I hope) to be forever remembered...

Pseudo Pumpkin-Arsed Carriage

Cinderella is schizophrenic.

Yup you heard that right. There were no pumpkin turned into a silver carriage. No glass slippers. No nothing at all.

If you would really think about it, she just invented everything in accordance with what she would have wanted to believe. Like the movie, Beautiful Mind, all of those people were illusions and hallucinations. Imagine living happily ever after -- big moronic sign of the disease -- no aging at all? hah! I remember John Nash's (I hope I remembered it right) characters to be people living in Peter Pan's Neverland. Goodness!

And here is one twisted fact: she invented a knight in shining armor who she shares with Sleeping Beauty, Snow White and all the rest of the princess who swoon over Prince Charming! Aaahh.. pathetic...

Dirtbag

...like me.

The Dingbat who Feels

"There's something beautiful in the falling grace of a falling star."~Louise Sybing

I loved falling stars. When I was young, I used to sit outside our house in my very small chair in the early hours of the evening. Back in the province, six o'clock is like midnight. Every windows and doors are closed -- everyone propped inside the house, watching telenovelas or something. My sister used to play paper dolls which I did for her. Unfortunately I was only good in making them yet, I least enjoyed them.

I was not the usual girl in the block. I was really used in going around the town in my bike. My cousins (of my age) were all boys and so, I was always on the loose. I am either found biking around or at the top of our roof and climbing our datiles tree. I remember my lola always bringing this really slender stick which she waves at me everytime I am on top...

"Lintik kang bata ka, kababae mong tao para kang unggoy..."

Haha... I love my grandma so much. She taught me all about falling stars and wishes. Ever since I was a kid, my parents are not around that much. Well, my mom works at Bacolod which is one hour away from our town and my dad, well, is a politician.. He's just y'know, not that much around.

Going back to falling stars...

During those nights, I would often wait and wait for those stars to fall. Of course, my usual notion would have been to make a wish but as time passes by, it dawns on me that there is much more irony when they fall down from the sky...

Yes, like the quote it is like falling grace. Someone from up above the heavens stepping down on earth.. I marvel at the thought that some things which are actually "up there" would learn to trudge the greens and create a world in the surface...

But of course, of falling stars and improbabilities I dwell too much. After all, I never really got to see a lot when I was young. Come to think of it... I never really have seen one at all.. :'(

The Ultimate Dingbat

I was browsing through the internet again when some quotes by the same writer stroke my dingbat of a brain into a trip with the Whooping Willow (ever read Harry Potter?!) and it kinda gave me an internal hemorrhage.

I have always been a lover of words. I read books, appreciate a lot about literature and all those stuff. I write a lot, pour out emotions on paper.. Well, actually blogging has made it easier because you are actually just doting on the keyboard. But if you really think about it, writing in paper is more bliss than you expect. Imagine poking the pen on its smooth surface.. You can scribble so hard until it tears itself into shmiggles when you are really angry or water it with your tears (after it dries, you'll see your teardrops and you would feel downright pathetic)...

Back to my being a lover of words...

Uhh... I find it amazing how some authors *author* statements that perfectly encapture all the exact emotions one person has as of the moment... Let me cite a lot of examples -- go on and lavish...

"I want to cry. So badly. But, I'm tired of crying for loss. And, it seems never-ending. By now, you would think that I would be able to cope better with things, but I cannot. I'm screaming inside. On the outside, I'm calm, cool, and collected. Perhaps, that's the only thing I've been able to perfect over the years. The act as if it's all okie."~Louise Sybing

Well, well, well. What do we have here? I thought that I was the only pretender in this world - trying to act that everything is goofy.. hah! What comes around, goes around, morons! You can't be happy in all aspect of your life... Check that out! As for me, I am happy with my work - but I friggin miss home, I am still searching myself... and I think I will die young... ultimate dingbat moves #1.

"Nothing ever really goes back to normal, does it? Something bad happens, and we say that in time things will be back to normal. But, it never really does. We move on, but inside, we've changed a bit. Sometimes a bit more optimistic. Sometimes a bit more cynical. Most of the time, rushing to just be the sane, strong person, everyone knows you for. And, by doing that, we just throw our emotions away in a small little corner of our mind and don't think anything of it again."~Louise Sybing

Hah! Captured in perfect harmony of the words. Lemme see... where do I belong -- a lot more cynical I guess... But wait a minute... "Throw our emotions in a small little corner..." No way, jose! No way... Not me!

"And for that, she laughed. She laughed because there was nothing else she could do. So, she sat on her bed and pretended like nothing happened. Left alone with her thoughts and the thought that things would be fine... one day..."~Louise Sybing

For this third time, she is guessing my mind.. Holy shenanigans! What are you Louise Sybing?! A psychic? You.. YOU... *sigh*... you great capturer of emotions... aack! Maybe she is my soulmate.. OMG... i hope that she does not suffer as much as i did and do... but by the way she is writing all these... hmm...

"There's something beautiful in the falling grace of a falling star."~Louise Sybing

This one I cannot take... I can't continue this.. This girl exists in the same parallel universe as I am... Maybe not quite an oxymoron like me but still... I will share my own thoughts about this quote on my next blog... it struck me like hell... Ciao!

Manic Monday

My earliest stint this week would have to be arriving at the office at around 7:15 am and opening my blogger to scribble some things off before I actually battle heads-on with a lot of my deadlines..

The weekend has been bliss - well if you are like me who consider sleeping as some sort of ecstacy then... tee-hee -

Anyways, I am currently wracking my brains on what to write.. i already am developing some blog-phobia because of the lack of things that I am capable of writing about... I have become such a blogging bore... ahehehe... But I surely do hope that my net days are not over.. I will be so doomed (isn't it obvious this is my only neurotic hobby? besides boozing and taking pictures of myself, of course!)

My desk is screaming of deadlines and I voluntarily am not minding them since I would be doing them later anyways (like I have a choice)... Monday blues i think... hahaha.. I haven't had my caffeine fix for the day -- still actually waiting for the water to boil... -- and so my mind is kinda malfunctioning... Argh...

I...AM...BLABBING... just plainly blabbing nonsense for the sake of a new post or maybe for the sake of posting my new bum pic... lololzzz... pathetic...

OT - Galore

One minute before nine in the evening... where am I? hahaha.. still at the office! This is something! Just two weeks in Beverage and I am on my feet for overtime work. I just finished my marketing plan (to be submitted tomorrow, first thing in the morning) and my back friggin aches... but the fulfillment that I am feeling can never be expressed. Tired yet really, really happy of the empowerment that I am receiving...

Anyways, it's been a long time since I last touched the keyboard and write some rantings -- all my time is spent doing financials and meeting with advertising agencies and taste tests and so on. Haha... :) The life of a marketing person! :) I so love it!

The beauty of being a marketer: Marketers give you the perception of the truth... which means that they do not lie. But they do not give you the whole truth either...