Thoughtful Tuesdays: Confessions of a Baby-Less Mum

“When you find your path, you must not be afraid. You need to have sufficient courage to make mistakes. Disappointment, defeat, and despair are the tools God uses to show us the way.” ― Paulo Coelho, Brida

Sometimes, I am tired of waiting for my miracle to happen. 

Wait! Before you judge me, indulge me please. I am not superhuman. So allow me to slip just for today because I feel more deeply at this time of the month (crazy PMS!)

I am not bored anymore. In fact, I am enjoying what I do now - handling social media accounts of  health brands where I learn a lot of things and writing, of course. All this in between naps, cooking dinners and reading books. Away from traffic. Away from the stiffness of the corporate world. Just me, myself and I in my home office, with my dog Sachi beside me, sleeping on her mat. I am grateful. 

But then, there is a reason why I am here doing what I do. I am supposed to be preparing for a little one to form inside my little belly. And each month that it does not happen, a cloud looms over my head. The wait is agonizing. I try to get over it but it gets the better part of me. 

Sometimes...

Just like today...

Even the Fates seem to be playing with my feelings. Just the other day, when I was on my way to my immunotherapy session, I was stuck in an elevator full of babies and toddlers! Even the series I am watching is about a pregnant werewolf girl who was given an ultra chic nursery for her baby. Nice Ironic, isn't it?

I know that I am in no position to rant. Some couples I know took ten years to conceive. Some weren't that lucky, even. But the despair is coming from not knowing whether to wait or to forget about my dream of having a child.  I try to put it out of my mind. I am an eternal burst of sunshine or at least I try to  be for several years back. Positivity. Hope. Faith. All those things. I know that I should focus on them.  But then, there are times that you just can't escape the feeling.

Today, I slip.

But there is nothing that I can really do about it. I just have to endure. Moments such as this take a lot of willpower to rise up from my gloom. Oh well, another day to live. And wait.

“Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.” 

― Paulo Coelho, By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept

xx,

Balot

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Thoughtful Tuesdays: On Marriage

"Marriage is a work in progress." - Edzel

The start of January has been crazy busy. It has been only six days into the new year and we have already attended two weddings! 

The first celebration was that of our couple friend, Mig and Cara. These two have been together for almost a decade and we were all happy that they tied the knot.

Barkada weddings are always fun. It is one of the few times that we get to see almost all of our friends. We finished around 4AM the next day!  

Two days after, we attended the wedding of a cute couple, Niño and Linlin. 

Niño used to work with Edzel and the couple is our first inaanak sa kasal! Hahaha! 

I loved how intimate this couple's wedding was. It was full of heart, laughter and tears. 

The husband gave a speech about marriage which I found quite amusing. Edzel and I have been married for more than two years (together for eight) and we have had our share of heaven and hell. But yes, what he said is true. Marriage is indeed a work in progress. Something that both partners have to strive to work on every single day.

I also liked what the priest said during the homily -- marriage does not keep you from temptations. When you get married, you still meet other people. Someone who could be more beautiful than your wife; someone much sweeter than your husband. But it is the commitment that you make, every single day to stay faithful to your vows and to that one person you chose to bring before the altar. 

Weddings like this give me a warm, fuzzy feeling. It reminds me of my own and in some indirect approach, strengthens my faith and commitment to stay true to what I have promised before God.

To cap this post, let me share some of my thoughts on marriage:

1. It takes a lot of patience, understanding, love (lahat na!) to stay together. There are two different people in this union, living together every day for what could be until the rest of their lives. This can be daunting if you don't have a lot of love in your arsenal.

2. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. I have an awesome benchmark as advised to me by Ms Harvey Chua: make a rule to leave your husband only once and never come back. Whenever in a fight, ask yourself, "Is this it?" In most cases, there is no enough reason to leave.

3. Little things matter. I committed this a grave mistake at the start of my marriage which almost tore us apart. I was never about "little things". It seemed so menial. I was so absorbed with work that I just didn't care if Edzel and I talked or not. I never answered his texts. The only time that I would get in touch with him was to ask if he was already picking me up from the office. I didn't make any effort to do my duties as a wife - never cooked for him, never learned how to drive to save him from the burden of always picking me up and driving me to work - these among many other things. So yes, my neglect of those little things made me a bad wife. I think this is what happens in long-term relationships. You slack off thinking that things will always stay the same. 

As I said, I learned my lesson the hard way. So now, I try. I try my very best and what we have has become way better that what we had when we started out. I am sure that there will still be many challenges ahead of us but somehow, I am inclined to believe that things really happen for a reason. And so be it.

What about you, loves? Share your lessons about married life :-)

xx,

Balot

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Thoughtful Tuesdays: Coincidences

Last week, we had our first Christmas party for the Secret Book Club where I got to personally meet the members of our Facebook group. What's more fun is that we got to recommend a piece that was inspiring to us and share it with the other members through an exchange gift! How cool is that? 

So there was this particular book that stood out (at least for me), suggested by Mish of Momma 'N Manila - a book by James Redfield titled The Celestine Prophecy. Mish shared that this was the book which guided her in her twenties -- the age where most of us would be struggling to probably find what's the meaning of everything as we were pushed to life outside of college and started to seriously deal with things. I think what piqued my interest was when Mish mentioned that it put things in perspective for her. I like these kinds of books. That is the reason why I love Coelho, Albom, Rubin, Gladwell, Maxwell, Covey and many others writing about humanity, finding your purpose, living your life... I know you get what I mean. 

So let's go to this book. What struck me the most would be this -- "Chance encounters do not exist." and since they don't, we have to take "coincidences" seriously. 

Funny that I should read this now because I badly need affirmation for this corporate life hiatus that I am in. And I would like to share to you some "coincidences" that are uncanny but yes, very encouraging.

1. Three days after our Christmas Party, I chanced upon a hard cover of this title at a booksale! For PHP120! What a coincidence! 
2. I got some writing jobs and the assignments and clients keep on getting better as weeks pass by. The topics interest me so the writing comes easy. It doesn't feel like work at all. As I said in my previous posts, I never thought I could earn from writing but well... here I am!
3. Sales for my shop is picking  up. Because of this book, I have finished my marketing plan today since I was inspired to really take my business to another level by next year. 
4. I got a VA and social media management stint for health and wellness clients. I have been learning a lot about getting a healthier lifestyle to boost fertility and address my general well-being. The more I delve myself into health and wellness topics, the more I have the yearning to alter my lifestyle. Just as an example, I can now finish two liters of water every day. This is a great achievement for me because just several months back, I was a cactus. No, seriously! I could live without water (but not coffee and Coke). 
5. My offshore boss is awesome! She is teaching me a lot of tricks about business which I get to apply on my own. Plus, she promotes achieving more by doing less. To quote her, "you can work anytime you feel most productive as long as you deliver what is required." Talk about efficiency and independence from a 9-5 work shift!

While these could be merely coincidences (Redfield rolls his eyes), it is a comforting feeling that I am somehow on the right track. How do I know? Things seem lighter. I actually get to do a lot of things, both professionally and personally. I should be obsessing with work now -- this kind of life made little Type A me happy. But now that I am taking things slow, I am happier.

It is quite surprising considering I am probably getting a fraction of my previous income but yes I am happier. I have realized that money is not everything. I love what I do because I get to write. I love what I do because I own my time so I can spend more of it with Edzel and Sachi and my friends. In so many other ways, things are not that bad as I thought they would be.

So what do you think of my little coincidences? How about you? What is your take on this? I would love to hear your thoughts. 

xx,

Balot

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Thoughtful Tuesdays: Inspiration

"You are useful when you give inspiration to people." -Paulo Coelho

I have been struggling with my writing as of late. Some call it writer's block. Some call it creative drought. Whatever it is, yes, I have it. For several days now. 

I browsed some articles to research on how to get rid of this halt. These were the tips I got. 

• Change your environment. (But it's so dreary outside!)
• Read a book. (This bed weather is making me sleepy.)
• Exercise. (Uhmm..)

And then, I stumbled upon this - Part 3 of 4 of Paulo's podcast on writing.

"What is inspiration? Inspiration is breathing. You put what is outside inside of you. And then, you expire. So, inspiration is something that everybody has, not only writers... Everybody has, when you do things with love. It is connected with this energy that we don't understand. We can explain, explain, explain, but it is connected with the energy of love.  If you enjoy what you are doing, you're going to be inspired to share it with other people. However, inspiration, you cannot guide inspiration. Inspiration is a boat and you are in this boat, in a sea. So there is this gigantic sea. And your boat is taking you. Inspiration is guiding you. Inspiration is this wind that is guiding you towards your destiny. If you try to guide inspiration, you are lost." -Paulo Coelho

This is actually the first time that I have played a videocast from Paulo's blog and my admiration for this man has been cemented in my life more than ever before. I seriously had goosebumps listening to him.

If you are a close friend, you would know that I adore Coelho. I have all his books, I have read and re-read them more than you can ever imagine. I couldn't pick a favorite Coelho book because I love them all. And yes, one more thing, I trash all my Coelho books. I am really sorry but I do. I only do this to his books. You know what those are?

Yes! Dog-ears! My bad. But what can I do? Too many lines that I love. How can one write so profoundly? Almost every other page? That's crazy! 

I wish that someday my own creative wind will guide me to write something that could give inspiration to other people. In the meantime, please do enjoy listening to my hero as he has inspired me enormously today. 

Check out the first installments of Paulo's videocast on writing below: 

Part  I on Writing

Part II on Writing

Part IV on Writing

xx,

Balot

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Thoughtful Tuesdays Vol. 2: Provision

 

I love this verse from Matthew 6:26. It gives me the assurance and comfort that everything will be okay despite the fact that I do not waddle in the corporate world anymore [read: steady income down the drain]. 

I didn't know that my writing would somehow matter in these times. I always thought that it was for my personal consumption. But I have been getting some trickles of writing jobs here and there that allow me to contribute even a little to our household expenses. Edzel has been awesome, providing for everything that we need in the house but I cannot stop feeling guilty sometimes. Again, I know that it is my pride talking. 

I have recently joined a community of work-at-home moms on Facebook. I envy how they got it all figured out. Bounce me in any corporate matters and I will rise by it with flying colors but this whole "figure-this-as-you-go-along" thing -- oh man! 

But yes, God provides me with sanity, one day at a time. It could be a writing job or a friend talking to me the whole day or an incessant chore that I need to do (and would usually occupy one whole day). Just this morning, I landed a part-time job offer for an awesome Australian company -- I was looking for something to do at home, exercise my brain cells and save a little. This was another of God's answers. And there is another bonus -- this company is all about health and wellness and how to improve your lifestyle. Isn't it Providence? 

I may not be doing what I want to do for now, but I am sure that this is what I should be doing at this point in time.

I may not be doing what I want to do for now, but I am sure that this is what I should be doing at this point in time. Staying at home makes me more attuned to my role as a wife as I get to talk to my husband more during the day, cook for him and take care of making our home a wonderful place to go home to [hopefully]. It also helps me focus on that one dream that I want more than anything else, the main reason why I have quit anyway and that is to prepare myself to hopefully have a baby. 

Have I slowed down according to my physician's orders? Yes, I think so. In a significant way, if I may say. Am I still learning despite the fact that I just stay at home? Yes, I do. In a whole new perspective but still learning -- to cook, to bake -- and admittedly, I have a looonggg way to go. 

In the meantime, I trust. I trust that He will provide what it is that I need.

How about you, love? Have you ever been propelled to an entirely different direction because of a dream you want to pursue? Being thrown off out of your comfort zone? How did you go about it? 

xx,

Balot

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Thoughtful Tuesdays Vol. 1: On Waiting

"Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing what to do is the worst kind of suffering." - Paulo Coelho

All our lives, we are always bound to wait. Wait for our planes to arrive. Wait for a promotion long due. Wait for the right one. Wait for the wrong one to realize he is the wrong one because you do not have the courage to break his heart. 

Or there are times that we choose to forget. 

To forget that we have that one dream that we long for. Forget that we wanted to travel the world when we were younger. Forget that there is more to life than the one that we have. 

And the worst part, yes, it is the worst part - when you do not know what you have to do. 

Over the past few days, I have been floating in a limbo. Again. It is so hard to wait especially for someone whose patience is not her strongest suit. It is hard to battle the "baby lust". So every month that I am not yet pregnant, it pushes me back into my black hole. 

I am very blessed to have friends who keep on reminding me that everything is going to be okay. I am very blessed that I have a husband who supports me in all aspects of our relationship and does not mind that he has to take care of everything, for now. 

There are just moments that I break down because I do not know what to do anymore. Do I stay at home, continue being a housewife, and wait that one day, it will come? Or do I get back to my old corporate life and just let things run on its course? 

Yes, it is probably my pride [or ego] talking. I have never felt so helpless, clueless and fully dependent on someone all my life. I plan my life well and at this moment, there is nothing to plan. There is nothing that I can do but to wait because there is no option for forgetting this dream that I want. 

And so, this continues. Good luck to me, then.

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