I am Corporate Junkie.: 2006

Nov 28, 2006

Falling...

...into my schizo world.

I have this weird urge to write since yesterday. I went home late last night and as I hailed a cab and did some stupid melodramatic looney moments -- this means looking outside the car window with a faraway look and some mellow music on the car stereo -- I just am fading deeper into my thoughts about everything that exists around me.

I tap the keyboard of my PC amidst the half-accomplished to-do list in front of me, some bottles of mock-ups and calculator and keys and pens waiting for me to declare that it is close of business already. It is. I am just procrastinating. Or still waiting for the adrenaline drops to trickle in my veins so that I would have the strength to scrap at least, one bullet in my listed tasks. But I can't. My brain is like, squirming for air already.

Anyway, I don't like to talk about work tonight. I want to talk about life. Or love. Or postcards. I don't know. It's like there are so many trails of thought that beg to be written but I can't grab one tail to befit everything into its place. So I better just let go of some bullets to give justice to each bigger iceberg inside my brain.

Life - I learned that you can trust nobody at all. People always seem to be swayed by ulterior motives -- selfishness, own crappy interests. On the other hand, I also learned from a page in a newspaper (which is actually a realization of someone else), that laughing will always be the best remedy for everything. I am stuffed with goddarn piles of shit but the laughter that my friends and colleagues give me is overwhelming and it keeps me going until another day in the woods (so to speak).
Work - And when I just mentioned that I won't talk about work. Hehe. Blah! I was reading Dilbert's Principles last night and there is one thing that struck me -- a lot of undertones are hidden in your officemate's sentences (Statement: Our product is premium; Real Meaning: Our product is overpriced).
Love - Nothing can compare to a smile and laughter that you cause someone especially if this person does not always smile or laugh.
Postcards - I feel for other people's angst, plight, thoughts and everything. Visit postsecret.blogspot.com. You'll get hooked.

That's just about it. My mind is slowly degenerating and I don't think I still have the same "talent" that I have for writing before. So... here it ends.

About a Boy

He smokes. He drinks. He plays poker. He has lots of girls (and gays, hehe) swooning over him - lot of competition, eh! He is the most mataray and sungit person I've ever known.

He gives me flowers. He cooks for me. He plays Soduko with me. He fetches me when I stay late in the office. He listens to me. He always gives in to all my tantrums. He is the sweetest person I have ever known.

Life has its own ironies. It also threw the dice on me.

I am probably the most difficult person to deal with. I have tantrums. I am mataray. I am masungit. I smoke. I drink. I learned to play poker. But there was this one boy who has exactly the same qualities that made me stop on my tracks and hold my strings tight that I almost, voluntarily just give in. I have wanted this for so long. Someone who has the guts to CONTROL me. To dominate me.

I am a crazy person. He always says that I am a lunatic. In fact, I am. But he said that it is a challenge. Har har. A lot of them back out before because of this same personality of mine. I always tend to dominate the relationship, gear it to the way that I want and always getting away with it. Now, I can't easily do that. But it fits me. Because maybe this is really what I need -- someone who would not be intimidated to cut me slack of my lunacies. I am so in love with my boy.

You Just Don’t Know Who To Trust

It has been just over a year since I was a junkie in this corporate jungle and already, I have been bitten by a snake.

My mom always said never to trust anyone but myself particularly about money. Unfortunately, as gullible as I am, I just had not minded that precaution.

The person who I considered to be very close to my heart in our office betrayed me. Betrayed me because of some friggin big bucks. Funny thing is, I did not want to think it was her. I gave her all the benefit of the doubt but in her effort to blame it on someone else, evidences popped in the way. And it did not include lost money anymore – all the hullabaloo showed falsification of receipts and documents and God-knows-what-else.

I am so tired. Tired of thinking about money. Tired of thinking how people can betray you with money. It is just so goddamn pathetic.

Fettuccini Embryoli

I don't know. It was funny. It was gross. I came across this question here in blogger -- that thing in the profile page -- What is the name of your fave stage actress before she was born? And then this name popped up in my mind ... Fettuccini Embryoli... Fetus in broccoli or embryos in fettuccini? Ok, let me stop just right there.

The Devil Does Not Wear Prada

I was badly ranting to watch The Devil Wears Prada. In fact, I'm dying to watch this flick.

I have been for several days and for some weird occurences, I just could not make it to the moviehouse. First, I was not able to beat a 7:30 showing on Wednesday. Second, there were no more seats for a last full show on Friday and so on and so forth.

Yesterday, Edzel and I were set to watch an 830 showing at Eastwood. We were about to leave the house when the rain poured. We decided to wait and let it stop since I obviously, as useless as usual, got no umbrella. We hitched on one stick of smokes. As soon as we sat down the porch, the rain stopped. I scrimped on and gloated as I literally dragged him out of the gate. As soon as I stepped out on the pavement, the rain poured again. Ahh, damn luck...

I was feeling really weird. Something is wrong. I pretty much think that my intuition is pretty strong and so my first instinct was to call home. I called my dad and there was no answer. I called my mom -- no answer still. I called my youngest sister and after several rings, she answered. I asked her what they are doing and making kumusta blah blah and she said that she was making her assignments. And then, my mom suddenly voiced out on the other line.

"Day, musta ka na?" She sounded panicky.

"Ok lang, ngaa haw?" (Ok lang, bakit?)

"Ngaa nawag ka man?" (Bat ka napatawag?)

"Lain manawag haw?" I said jokingly. (Bakit masama ba?)

"Text taka dugay-dugay. Ari di si Tita mo Neneng. 50-50 na daw si Tito mo Nonong."(Text kita mamya. Andito si Tita Neneng mo. 50-50 na daw si Tito Nonong)

"Ahhh... ok. Cge balitai nyo lang ko." (Sige, balitaan nyo nalang ako) I slumped on the wall. The blood must have drained on my face coz Edzel was asking me what was wrong. And I just said that everything is okay.

We still went to Eastwood. I wanted to get some fresh air too and try to shake the shock from my system. Everything's gonna be alright, I told myself.

As we were waiting for the opening of the cinema, I got another text from my dad. "Your tito passed away already. Your lola is here since last week."

I felt a heavy lump on my throat as I felt my whole body trembling. Lola... it is her birthday tomorrow and her favorite son died today... How would she carry on? FOr the first time since I got here, I wanted so bad, so super duper bad to go home...

The movie passed by like some fleeting i dont knows... I tried to escape the harsh reality of the moment.

As Edzel and I went home, I felt all the heaviness of the moment fall on me. I hugged my baby 21-year-old pillow (the only thing that reminds me of home) and cried and cried. Edzel was there, hugging me all the while also, saying nothing at all. -- He was just there comforting me. I cried my soul last nite.. and I guess there is more to come.. I am so much in limbo...

The Devil does not wear Prada.. He still is the hideous Grim Reaper...

Confessions of an Alcoholic

sane mode pa...

cel and me at cena

We are not drunk! -- hik, hik! yeah, right!

Hell am I such a crazy girl!! I have been into the effort of kicking the cigarette butts lately but guess what is taking its place? Friggin drunkenness!!! Sigh! When do I really learn?

It is a Friday night and I am still waiting for friends to text me and say we have a gimmick somewhere.

But really. I want to go out. Coffee, party or booze... whatever... but my phone has been deadly quiet. Damn!

I keep on telling myself to cut down on my alcohol intake (not healthy, yeah yeah!) -- Going out four times a week, burning my liver is pretty bad, isn't it? Last Friday, I was with friends at G2 and it was so fun drinking some delicious frozen margarita (without hurting my wallet of cors!) that I actually could not remember how the hell did I get home. I remember my guy joining us and that's all that my memory allows me to remember. (Who can blame me?! We are talking margaritas in litro man!)

Anyways, I still got some stuff to finish. Meanwhile, pray for my soul for its alcohol.

Ciao!

Funny...

"You are my star in the night, shining for me baby. Love is so right... I can see it's changing everything..."

People pop into your life at weirdest, unexpected seasons. Mine came the summer of '06.

When someone comes into your life, you don't necessarily ask for them. Sometimes you even wish they don't. However, at some opportune time (maybe when the stars align their path), it just happens without you even wishing for it.

He described it like some sort of Murphy's law. You find the thing you're looking for at the moment that you have stopped searching for it. It may still have been a liner (lolz) but then maybe, after all he was right.

Happiness has always been incomprehensible for me. I found it in the luxury of alcohol and nicotine and "friends" whom your soul cannot connect with completely. I found it in the recesses of my work, in the n square-inch of my aquamarine cubicle amidst the pile of work that sits lazily on my table. Everything though had made a complete turn.

I had always thought that there can never be a time wherein someone really is for you. After all the hurting I've been through and all the pain that I myself caused to a lot of people, love has always been such an effort -- a work that is sometimes too tiring. Some vexation to the spirit. Funny thing is, it just does not quit me.

Yeah, weird things really are on the loose and they were out to get me...

PMS-ing

One day, you wake up feeling a wild jolt electrocuting some cells in your brain and you flash your eyes wide open wondering where you are. It happened to me today -- darn, of all days, it should have not been today!

My room was not blary -- it was just 5:45 in the morning. I can see stars falling on me (those stupid glow-in-the-dark stickers that I bought turned out to be useless) and the alarm on my phone just won't quit. I tried to close my eyes and give myself an eternity of slumber (calculated at 5 minutes) but I could not bring myself to doze off anymore.

So anyways, I pulled myself up from the bed, literally dragged my arse to the shower, praying that the cold water would finally find its way into waking up my senses. Unfortunately, its way of shaking me was not the one I wished for. I nearly slipped in the bathroom floor (talk about the start of a bad day). Good thing I held on to somethin or else, I would have gone bonkers.

"Wake up, Balot", I mumbled to myself. "Gather yourself up."

The shower helped a little. Pulled on some white tee and khaki jeans for work, had my cup of coffee and took off. Traffic was not so bad and in a jiffy, here I am in the office already. I am currently trying to assess the bad vibes... There is nothing to feel bad or sad about actually. Maybe it's just one of those hormonal imbalances at this time of the month. Yep, maybe. I always get into this rollercoaster of emotions -- feeling really, really down without REALLY knowing why...

aarrggghhh...

Sugar and Spice

I've long thought that I am some sort of "kabalan" (an Ilonggo word somehow equivalent to frigidity) in this relationship "game" but now, in the middle of things, I fumble and get caught up with all the apprehensions that I believed long escaped my pages.

With all the things that happened to me in the past, a lot of them were quite awful -- I just would not want to f*ck things up again. I mean, I had my share of heartaches and also brought pain to a number of undeserving people and such pain (to me or to the other party) is something that is not quite lucrative or enticing to entertain.

Sigh...

Relationships are sugar and spice but they are not necessarily all nice. Cynical yes, I am but life can be such a big joke sometimes that things and people comically pop up in your life without those encounters ever entering your wildest dreams and anticipations.

Haaayy.... Sometimes I wish I would not have to undergo the extremities of happiness, pain, sadness and all that come in between.

Sometimes, I wish I just could not feel at all.

Everything???

**One moment it fits exactly what I felt, and just with one message, everything crumbled into bits and pieces...

I'm finding the more I see the more I can see
Now I'm not hiding anymore

Come on baby Let me know how you feel
Come on take me I can see this is real

Ever since your love filled my life I see it's changing everything
Don't you know the way you move me
It's so right, it's better than anything

You are the star in the night
Shining for me baby Love is so right
Come on I'm feeling everything.

You know me in a way like no one ever before
You hold me forever

-Everything lyrics by Kaskade

Dreams

I sat at the bar drinking my banana-mint mix (which was beautifully colored green), oblivious to the partying crowd around me. This is one of those times when I am effortlessly absorbed in my thoughts (blank thoughts, sadly) and just park all that is going around me. I closed my eyes as Kaskade was spinning his It's You, It's Me track and lunged forward to find myself outside of my body -- astral projection... (I am weird so bear with it!)

"Hey..." Someone nudged me as he took a seat beside me and was gulping his own alcohol.

"Hi." I saw myself smiling in spite of me.

Maybe it was the alcohol.

"Why are you alone?" He said as he fixed his white beach polo and scanned the crowd.

"I'm a loner, remember?" I muttered as the music blared on my ears and people were dancing like maniacs.

"Yeah, and I am unfriendly 99% of the time." He said as his lips curved into a lazy smile.

"Well, then, thanks for that 1%" I replied. "That's gotta be something, y'know!"

"Yeah..." He shrugged. "More booze?"

"Naah..." I shook my head and looked at my empty glass. "I think I need some fresh air... and solitude."

He stood up and we went outside the beach club. He was towering and I wished I was not this petite (or call it short, whatever euphemism you want). The sea was calmly splashing tiny waves at the shore and we sat down on the sand. The stars were lining the horizon and the distant pounding of the drums seemed like we were in a different galaxy.

Silence.

"So..." we simultaneously blurbed. We laughed.

"You first..." Second time.

"Are you an echo or something?" I smiled as I gathered some sands between my palm.

"Not really." He shrugged.

We talked about lots of things -- books, movies, Math (geeks), the beach, alcohol, cigarettes...

"I seldom meet coniotic guys..." I said as I glanced sideways at him.

"I am not..."

"Yeah, right. Kill me." I raised an eyebrow. "You wear a white top, paired it with white cotton pants and white Havaianas... guys don't do that. Gays do."

"Crazy." He said as he puffed some free Dunhill cigarettes that we got from the party. "Want to stroll?"

"Yeah."

It was two in the morning and everybody was still in their party mood. The alcohol was starting to take its toll and I want to tone it down a little by shedding off some sweat and take some steps.

"You want water?" He offered.

"Yes, please." I smiled as he walked away to buy the liquid. After just some few sec, he returned.

"You kinda look like my mom..." He said as he took a gulp.

"Is that a pick-up line?"

When Creative Juices...

...start pouring in.

I seldom blog these days... I don't know. Maybe it is because I am bombarded by work or because there is actually nothing interesting to talk about. Or maybe I was taken aback (just a little, kiddo!) because you know how blogs work.. They sort of pop up in all forms of viewing in the Internet and I respect my privacy(yeah, right!). Or maybe the hell not.

But there are almost those times when you just want to click on the keyboard like some oxymoron and you abandon all your apprehensions because you are in a dire need to write. Or better yet, in a dire need to pour something that you know, are non-existential to your unknown readers and you want their frigging attention or the pathetic need of sympathy. I don't know where I would categorize my blogging at this point of time.

But really, there is nothing important to talk about. I could actually just blab about my two cups of caffeine consumption or the nicotine fix that I had just a while ago (to once again wrinkle my epithelial cells and corrupt my lungs) for the sake of conversation... one-sided conversation, that is.

But anyway...

The sun shines brightly outside and it is not in any sense, that enticing. I never wanted to have some deadly skin cancer. I am alone in my office, people actually had their lunches outside (it is Friday and it is a URC habit) but I am comfortable here in the office, clicking some words away and forgetting about work for some alone minutes. My mug of coffee is looking wistfully at me, implying a message that I do not have any energy to decode. I just sit back and close my eyes for a split-second, thinking of what to write and realizing that there is, in fact, something that I want to share.

I had this really weird feeling that something is not going on exactly as I want to. Of course, people don't necessarily get all the things that they wish for and I could just be thankful that I have a salary to spend, friends to have coffee and real conversation with, jokes I laugh at and all stuff like that but there is something missing. It is too early for me to say that I am having a quarter-life crisis but it is something that, yeah describes all that I feel at this age in time.

I was so giddy to get out of college, move out from the province and get a goddamn life. Not that my parents were strict though ( I got to do all the things that I want, wink!). It is just the lucrativeness (here I go again with my non-dictionary terms) of living away from home and party to sawa and everything that excited me.

But all in all, it has been a roller-coaster kind of life since I moved in Manila. Work is terribly occupying 90% of my time. It is just a good thing that I am in marketing and I got to party and meet other people while in work. But yeah... at this earliest point of time, I am already beginning to question, WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?

I don't know.. Philosophical questions barrage me. I just could knock it over with some sleep and forget about this whole thing but for Chrissake, Balot, get a life!

Sad thing, it has not yet dawned on me what life is it that I really want.

Maybe I just have to go to the mountains again, backpack, look at the stars and find answers to my Paulo Coelho's kindava questions.

Sheesh...

Long Days

My intuition still never fails me. My last blog was about my anxiety attack and guess what, there is indeed something bad that happened to someone close to me. I actually don't know the details yet but he had a car accident in Italy last Friday... But I am really looking forward that they are okay now...

This has been a long day with a lot of things that seemed to never end. I don't know...

Eeyoric

I don't know how to describe the feeling whenever I get anxiety attacks. I just get all this fidgety and restless without even a single reason why I am feeling this friggin way.

There seems to be a gazillion things to do although I am procrastinating everything to the core because I am not feeling good. My stomach feels weird. It's having its own rumbly-in-my-tummy again. My heart beats like some crazed machine gone out of control and I am having a cold feet. So much for all this. Merde.

Now, what does this mean? Hmm, let me see. Maybe one: my gut feel is doing its rounds again on something that it could not pinpoint... err, yet; two: something is really wrong, dammit or three: my body is playing tricks on me again. I pray it's the last.

I could not move on. I don't know. This feeling is like some shot of mercury in my veins and I am close to blowing off the steam. I want to cry but I promised myself never to cry again over nothing. It is just plain stupid y'know. Scream? I wish I could but no can't do since I am jammed in this ever so corporate cubicle and people might just want to kick my arse off. Crazy!

But I think it is really right to say that I do feel so down... Like y'know EEYORE-down (that rag donkey character in Winnie the Pooh, dear) -- with all the pessimism and bad vibes pouring inside. I don't know. This is manic depression on the loose again.

My River Jordan

I don't claim the Jordan River. I just want to call it mine for the mere fact that I just want to.. Haha.. This is purely some..uhh.. what do you call this *thinking* -- vicarious experience, as being just told to me secondhand by someone who is currently on his own Amazing Race trip from Jordan up to Spain.

"What do you want for a pasalubong?"

"Uhh, water from Jordan River," I said smugly.

"You're not serious..." He smiled as he took a quick puff.

"Why not!?" I shrugged as an evil grin wiped my face.

Well, I am not religious or spiritual or whatsoever. I also am not playing tricks but for some weird reason, I just want that water for myself. I just can't wait! :-)

But alas, I may have it two years after. Hmm... which makes me think... Hmm... ;)

Confessions of a Workaholic

I am making hum-hums inside my head, trying to escape from my little aquamarine cubicle amidst the stack of papers and product samples and hell-whatever-it-is that are currently scrounging for its own space on my own little desk. I try to key in all these words in my desperation to have a little bit of Elysium in my oh-so-hectic schedule. Hah! So much for being a dedicated brand person.

I've never been so actually happy in my life. I mean well, if LIFE = WORK, then sheesh, this is bliss. No, this is with no condescending note or patronizing sarcasm whatsoever... I really am. I wake up 530 in the morning, go to work by 7 and go through all the hullabaloo for the next... err.. 16 hours! Yup you got that right! I go home at around 11, earliest would actually be somewhere around nine in the evening and still there are loads of stuff to do. And take note of this, there is even no friggin OT pay. But boy, I do not complain! It has been a very normal work cycle for me that going home at seven will actually put me in some depressive mode (remember, i have this manic depression, tee-hee!)

Anyway, the confessions... the day starts with, of course, my caffeine kick. Then it proceeds with meetings with Sales, with the Research team, ad agencies and a whole lot more. Then I actually sit by my desk at around, uhh, 3 in the afternoon to do all the necessary memorandums and protocols for my baby *my soon to be launched product* and that goes until sawa. I take about an average of 10 calls a day from suppliers and watchamacallits and of course, there are little nicotine breaks to pump up my air intake (such irony)... And then, when the clock would almost (ALMOST) strike midnight, I go home with a blissfully (another thing, I am a masochist) aching back, a strained eyes and an overloaded brain full of financials and creative inputs jammed in all at the same time.

You see, if there is one thing I learned in my professional life is that you never tire too easily if you are enjoying what you are doing. My life is full of crap if other people would actually take a peek at my sched but to me, it is heaven. Work is what I am composed of and there is no regrets at the things I am doing.

Ho-hum.... I just hope I don't catch the professional burn-out soon.

Anyway, back to work. Ciao!

Just Postin...

I got my copy of pictures from a friend and I thought of having this nonsense collage of memories.. hahaha.. Enjoy!

Tuesday chill out in our place with our baby boss and some red wine...

Bacolodians rocked Wednesday night.. Haha..

Teazz Wendesday launch.. cool party!!! :-) Together with Team Beverage!

Jonah's shake @ 4 am.. you must be kiddin me... this was Thursday i think ;)

Moi, Beejay and Bonita -- Friday C2 madness

During Saturday's Dunhill-Kaskade event.. cool.. free booze and banana mint mixes...

Aaaahhh :-)

Gratitude

Happy Birthday to me. Happy Birthday to me.

Hmmm… 22nd birthday – my first thingamajig away from home and my family. I am actually stuck here in the office, in front of my PC, procrastinating (again!) and well, blogging. Hahaha.

There have been so many milestones in my life this past year… a lot of firsts happened – first advertising shoots, first Bora (the best! Sorry, still got this beach trance upon me), Baguio, Davao, first apartment, first marketing plans – hah! The list could just go on.

If there were actually one thing that I would wish for the year to come, it would be happiness. Happiness from the simple things around me – the contentment that I get from my work and friends… exploring new things and a lot of great stuff. Happiness from having peace of mind and no vexations to the spirit. No fights. No frills. No strings attached. Just you know, CHILL. Lolz.

But of course, I really thank my flatmates, my friends from the JG Summit Management Trainees across the batches, my family and friends back home, Martin for contributing a lot to who I am now, new found friends and more to come, and lastly, to the Great Dude up there.

All things will fall in place. Til then. Sayonara!

Sand, Stars and Sizzle

“I've been thinkin' 'bout everyone, everyone you look so lonely -- But when I look at the stars, when I look at the stars, when I look at the stars I see someone else -- When I look at the stars, the stars, I feel like myself…” – STARS by Switchfoot

I still have this weird Bora hangover. I am doing lots of office stuff right now – beating deadlines (aargh, back to work again) and everything but I still have my last song syndrome (see excerpt above) and still feeling the sand on my feet as me and some friends waited for the sunrise for like, uhh, the third consecutive day. I am lamely trying to wake up and move on from my beach rendezvous – sheessh, party all night long and you know, lay back and CHILL. But every time I slip on that reverie, my boss keeps waking me up and little tiny gremlins scream “DEADLINES” inside my gooey brain. Okay, so much for daydreaming.

Ciao!

...

Abysmal Distortions

I cringe at the sounds of the clicking keyboard
at the doze of the night that stands still
A lonely desolate heart in the midst of an abyss
that keeps on pulling me to the darkness.

The heart cries and bleeds
for the loss of things that were never there
Hallucinations that fed the deception
False promises that chokes til death.

And at the brink of the reality that came too fast
Everything was lost and gone all the same
Of the sham and uncertainties that kept on lingering
the only thing that was left was a broken soul.

-- uolanre, 033006

More Thoughts

"All I wanted to do was collapse in someone's arms and cry today, but there wasn't anyone there to catch me." ~Unknown

"As she sits upon her window sill, she knows that love, love is something she'll never feel.. and her tears keep her company... and she dreams of how it would be.. as she cries."

"A lot of people get flipped out if you're quiet. They say stuff like, 'What are you thinking?' And if they don't start interrogating you, they start talking, going on and on about stuff that's totally irrelevant, and the silence gets so big and loud that it's scary."~A.M. Homes

On Feeling Bad

I feel bad. I don't know if I should be posting this but it feels right to blog this at this very moment. There seems like to be two stones with big biceps grappling my throat and my aorta. I REALLY FEEL BAD.

And then I posted the previous entry. And yet I still feel bad. I browsed KissMyMike's blog and for some reason, his blog even created a worsening hollowness within me. And I feel double extra bad.

How can I get this low? Or better yet, how can I be in this very vulnerable position of ever letting someone make me feel this bad? Maybe the problem is with me... But nah! I wouldn't blame myself. Because I would feel even three times worse. Maybe Mike is right -- well, yes, HE IS RIGHT -- some people are just brilliant in making other people feel bad.

And I thank you for that. For making me feel bad. And also for making me realize that yes, indeed, I exist in my ME MYSELF AND BALOT's world.

Just Blowing some Steam

Isn't it irritating how some people could actually rub on your face so many times that you are a big-time loser? I don't know.

Leaving the management training program was difficult. Not difficult in the sense that I do not know where my professional path is going because I am sure as hell that I would love to be back in Marketing. It was difficult because I knew that from the start, I would be displaced from my group. It is so ironic to feel this way when I always say that I don't give a damn about companionship. I do. But they don't need mine, so why the hell would I bother?

I am an onion-skin despite the hard-core aura that I have. Yeah, I project this ultra insensitive image but deep inside, this situation is tearing me like hell. It is only at this point in time that I realize that my boyfriend's companionship (however I thought how stagnant it became) was my streak of sanity. And now that he's back in Bacolod, I am crumbling into tiny goddamn pieces. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE MY WORK. If I would have made the decision all over again, I would have still left the program and started to do the things that I am doing now. But this feeling of being ostracized and alone is cutting into my rubberlike skin especially when someone, who is so very sensitive enough, keeps on shoving it on my face.

I know I am mababaw to make a big deal out of this but if I don't I would just be "outletting" it to something else. There's a heavy lump on my throat knowing that I AM BITTER and I AM AFFECTED when yes I knew that THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN THE OTHER SIDE of my decision. I just don't feel some sense of belongingness. Well, perhaps I have not really been a part of the groupie.

After all, I am a lonely and desolate corporate junkie on my way towards my corporate dream. And things just need to f*ck up. Who needs perfection anyway?!

Depressive Episodes Part 2

DISCLAIMER: KINDLY REFER TO THE PREVIOUS POST

· I could not remember a lasting happiness or contentment in my life. There’s always this emptiness that ebbs at the surface – a nagging feeling that engulfs me before I go to sleep. And anxiety attacks seldom leave me (palpitating heart, sweaty hands and nauseating mode that sucks).
· I am the perfect epitome of Eeyore. I want to abandon all my dreams, go back to Bacolod, and sleep. No responsibilities. I could just sleep and eat. And Die.
· Guilt? Big-time. A big LOSER stuck on my forehead. I keep on thinking if the decisions I make in life was worth it. I have no idea. Sh*t.
· The activities I once enjoyed – biking, climbing, writing, painting, dancing. – Zilch. Na-da! None of them is part of my 24-part hourglass anymore.
· Energy?! Really? I once thought that it was because I am not taking vitamins.
· Difficulty remembering? – hahaha… you kiddin me? Ask my colleagues.
· Irritability… GUILTY as charged.
· Sleeping too much? Does sleeping 19 hours on a weekend count?
· My change in appetite is a result of my dyspepsia. Okay?! Not because of depression. Shut the friggin up!
· Those were just heart burns I tell you…

· Death? It is amazing. Read VERONIKA DECIDES TO DIE… amazing!

Depressive Episodes Part 1

Signs and symptoms:

Lasting sad, anxious, or empty mood
Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed
Decreased energy, a feeling of fatigue or of being "slowed down"
Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
Restlessness or irritability
Sleeping too much, or can't sleep
Change in appetite and/or unintended weight loss or gain
Chronic pain or other persistent bodily symptoms that are not caused by physical illness or injury
Thoughts of death or suicide, or suicide attempts

Flutesnoot and Friends...

Masochism

Has it ever dawned on you to run and yet dwell on the pain -- look at the things that slap your face with things that could just never happen -- that were never meant to be?

I just did. Thanks to friendster for the realizations. Cheers to me and my martini...

Rip-Off

I always stayed in some sort of darkness.. I don't know... there's just something in it that attracts me... maybe my lunacies again...

Everything came to a freezing pathetic halt. My life blurred in front of me. I pass by that day with a very heavy heart. Work barraged me like some storm and I was not in my utmost condition. I stared at the monitor of my PC doing all the accounting stuff while there is some drilling pain that is killing me inside. Yep, it was not supposed to hurt this way.. But it does. And I don't like a bit of it.

I knew that I am plummeting. I had this weird pseudo-sickness. It's like some psychological arse getting its way into me. I can't speak. My throat hurts like hell. And I am like emitting heat energies from my eyes. Hah!

Haven't had this syndrome for years.

There is absolutely no connection with the things that I am saying. Just some friggin scribbles to pour out all my anxieties. I woke up early this morning and I know I am in deep sh*t... Know why? Coz I cleaned the whole flat again. From every little bloody dust. --cleaning is my only defense mechanism to show that this is something that I can smoothen out among the so many aspects in my life (at least my apartment is clean, that would be one "minus" out of this chaotic darkness that I am in).

I want to sleep. Sleep til all this goes away. Til this rip-off heals. And leave some tear (healed scar I hope) to be forever remembered...

Pseudo Pumpkin-Arsed Carriage

Cinderella is schizophrenic.

Yup you heard that right. There were no pumpkin turned into a silver carriage. No glass slippers. No nothing at all.

If you would really think about it, she just invented everything in accordance with what she would have wanted to believe. Like the movie, Beautiful Mind, all of those people were illusions and hallucinations. Imagine living happily ever after -- big moronic sign of the disease -- no aging at all? hah! I remember John Nash's (I hope I remembered it right) characters to be people living in Peter Pan's Neverland. Goodness!

And here is one twisted fact: she invented a knight in shining armor who she shares with Sleeping Beauty, Snow White and all the rest of the princess who swoon over Prince Charming! Aaahh.. pathetic...

Dirtbag

...like me.

The Dingbat who Feels

"There's something beautiful in the falling grace of a falling star."~Louise Sybing

I loved falling stars. When I was young, I used to sit outside our house in my very small chair in the early hours of the evening. Back in the province, six o'clock is like midnight. Every windows and doors are closed -- everyone propped inside the house, watching telenovelas or something. My sister used to play paper dolls which I did for her. Unfortunately I was only good in making them yet, I least enjoyed them.

I was not the usual girl in the block. I was really used in going around the town in my bike. My cousins (of my age) were all boys and so, I was always on the loose. I am either found biking around or at the top of our roof and climbing our datiles tree. I remember my lola always bringing this really slender stick which she waves at me everytime I am on top...

"Lintik kang bata ka, kababae mong tao para kang unggoy..."

Haha... I love my grandma so much. She taught me all about falling stars and wishes. Ever since I was a kid, my parents are not around that much. Well, my mom works at Bacolod which is one hour away from our town and my dad, well, is a politician.. He's just y'know, not that much around.

Going back to falling stars...

During those nights, I would often wait and wait for those stars to fall. Of course, my usual notion would have been to make a wish but as time passes by, it dawns on me that there is much more irony when they fall down from the sky...

Yes, like the quote it is like falling grace. Someone from up above the heavens stepping down on earth.. I marvel at the thought that some things which are actually "up there" would learn to trudge the greens and create a world in the surface...

But of course, of falling stars and improbabilities I dwell too much. After all, I never really got to see a lot when I was young. Come to think of it... I never really have seen one at all.. :'(

The Ultimate Dingbat

I was browsing through the internet again when some quotes by the same writer stroke my dingbat of a brain into a trip with the Whooping Willow (ever read Harry Potter?!) and it kinda gave me an internal hemorrhage.

I have always been a lover of words. I read books, appreciate a lot about literature and all those stuff. I write a lot, pour out emotions on paper.. Well, actually blogging has made it easier because you are actually just doting on the keyboard. But if you really think about it, writing in paper is more bliss than you expect. Imagine poking the pen on its smooth surface.. You can scribble so hard until it tears itself into shmiggles when you are really angry or water it with your tears (after it dries, you'll see your teardrops and you would feel downright pathetic)...

Back to my being a lover of words...

Uhh... I find it amazing how some authors *author* statements that perfectly encapture all the exact emotions one person has as of the moment... Let me cite a lot of examples -- go on and lavish...

"I want to cry. So badly. But, I'm tired of crying for loss. And, it seems never-ending. By now, you would think that I would be able to cope better with things, but I cannot. I'm screaming inside. On the outside, I'm calm, cool, and collected. Perhaps, that's the only thing I've been able to perfect over the years. The act as if it's all okie."~Louise Sybing

Well, well, well. What do we have here? I thought that I was the only pretender in this world - trying to act that everything is goofy.. hah! What comes around, goes around, morons! You can't be happy in all aspect of your life... Check that out! As for me, I am happy with my work - but I friggin miss home, I am still searching myself... and I think I will die young... ultimate dingbat moves #1.

"Nothing ever really goes back to normal, does it? Something bad happens, and we say that in time things will be back to normal. But, it never really does. We move on, but inside, we've changed a bit. Sometimes a bit more optimistic. Sometimes a bit more cynical. Most of the time, rushing to just be the sane, strong person, everyone knows you for. And, by doing that, we just throw our emotions away in a small little corner of our mind and don't think anything of it again."~Louise Sybing

Hah! Captured in perfect harmony of the words. Lemme see... where do I belong -- a lot more cynical I guess... But wait a minute... "Throw our emotions in a small little corner..." No way, jose! No way... Not me!

"And for that, she laughed. She laughed because there was nothing else she could do. So, she sat on her bed and pretended like nothing happened. Left alone with her thoughts and the thought that things would be fine... one day..."~Louise Sybing

For this third time, she is guessing my mind.. Holy shenanigans! What are you Louise Sybing?! A psychic? You.. YOU... *sigh*... you great capturer of emotions... aack! Maybe she is my soulmate.. OMG... i hope that she does not suffer as much as i did and do... but by the way she is writing all these... hmm...

"There's something beautiful in the falling grace of a falling star."~Louise Sybing

This one I cannot take... I can't continue this.. This girl exists in the same parallel universe as I am... Maybe not quite an oxymoron like me but still... I will share my own thoughts about this quote on my next blog... it struck me like hell... Ciao!

Manic Monday

My earliest stint this week would have to be arriving at the office at around 7:15 am and opening my blogger to scribble some things off before I actually battle heads-on with a lot of my deadlines..

The weekend has been bliss - well if you are like me who consider sleeping as some sort of ecstacy then... tee-hee -

Anyways, I am currently wracking my brains on what to write.. i already am developing some blog-phobia because of the lack of things that I am capable of writing about... I have become such a blogging bore... ahehehe... But I surely do hope that my net days are not over.. I will be so doomed (isn't it obvious this is my only neurotic hobby? besides boozing and taking pictures of myself, of course!)

My desk is screaming of deadlines and I voluntarily am not minding them since I would be doing them later anyways (like I have a choice)... Monday blues i think... hahaha.. I haven't had my caffeine fix for the day -- still actually waiting for the water to boil... -- and so my mind is kinda malfunctioning... Argh...

I...AM...BLABBING... just plainly blabbing nonsense for the sake of a new post or maybe for the sake of posting my new bum pic... lololzzz... pathetic...

OT - Galore

One minute before nine in the evening... where am I? hahaha.. still at the office! This is something! Just two weeks in Beverage and I am on my feet for overtime work. I just finished my marketing plan (to be submitted tomorrow, first thing in the morning) and my back friggin aches... but the fulfillment that I am feeling can never be expressed. Tired yet really, really happy of the empowerment that I am receiving...

Anyways, it's been a long time since I last touched the keyboard and write some rantings -- all my time is spent doing financials and meeting with advertising agencies and taste tests and so on. Haha... :) The life of a marketing person! :) I so love it!

The beauty of being a marketer: Marketers give you the perception of the truth... which means that they do not lie. But they do not give you the whole truth either...

Feels Like Home

I walk at the corridors of my old office back in URC and a feeling of nostalgia washes over me. Here I am again... finally. An overwhelming feeling pours over me - there were actually no room for regrets even if I have searched for some.

I entered the office and I knew that this is indeed where I belong... I look at all the good nooks of the area and all I see are budget appropriation forms, promotional workplans, marketing plans.. ahh.. this is my WORLD. I am finally home.

Doomsday and I AM ECSTATIC!

My blogging days are so like OVER!

Finally, after a so-so 100 agonizing days, I am on the top of the my arse again. I am back on my marketing tracks. Wip-pee!

I feel so elated that after a lot of fickle-minded, brow-arching consultations that I have with the rest of the management trainees about my offer for absorption back in URC Beverage, I've finally closed that chapter and will move on. I am so excited to start doing marketing plans and advertising briefs again -- there are just so many things that I want to do and perhaps, this has been the best move to pursue my professional prefences.

At some point, I also feel teeny weeny sad that I'd be leaving friends behind but as I said before, their worlds would continue to revolve even if I am out of the picture. And sad that my blogging days will be doomed. Aackk! Busy days lay ahead but heck! -- this is what I have wanted anyway, haven't I? Workaholism right down to its core. Heaven! >:)

Sleep

...my...mind...is...malfunctioning...

I wish I could know the secret to sleeping with eyes wide open.

Sheesh... I am so sleepy. My eyelids are like heavy tea bags soaked in water. I was giving this big kadiri yawn every other minute, my eyes are already misty and my body wants to lie down.. Aacck.. Send me home please! Let there be.. uh... a coup d'etat... naah.. maybe a storm or a... or a... (fine! I'll stop!)

I looked at the wall clock and thought that I was hallucinating to see that it was already 4 o'clock. And yes, you bet -- I did have hallucination -- it is just 1: 20.. waah... what's happening to me... This is so not good.

My Rantantations (leave the term alone!)

My mind is drifting off again... which is not unusual especially when I am here in my demented desolate place at the fourth floor of the new building of the Digitel office. I have several green pile in front of me -- the green folder that contains my resignation letter, C2 Green Tea Plain in 355 mL, and Piattos Sour Cream and Onion in green packaging. Anyways, enough of that.

For several months now I have been in a professional limbo. My colleagues at work may have wanted to smash their heads when they hear my absorption queries. It has surely taken its toll. But now, here I am -- sharing this blog to the rest of the world... an anonymous someone who is just, y'know, plainly ranting.

I think of the things that would make me stay -- I have been thinking about it for months actually -- but as time passes, I get little and little "attachment" strings. I wanted to stay because of friends but I realized, if they are really true peers, no matter where I go, they will always be there for me.

Yep... on another note, something really struck me yesterday when one of my flatmates (hah! flat! so British!) told me to be careful because I can never really know who my friends are. And it just bothered me a lot. Well, I am the kind who trust people easily -- basically on pure animalistic instinct but having heard those words felt creepy. What if the people I tell my rubbish do not actually like me? Y'know... what if I had this schizophrenic illusion that we are actually better friends but actually, he/she does not even consider me close to being a good friend? And then he/she blurbs it out to every one? AACCK!!

Nothing is permanent... nothing... nothing...

I am moving on to another unchartered territory in my life -- leaving (at some point) a lot of people behind.

But I pretty much think that there would be nothing in their worlds that would change if ever I am here or not.

At all its cost, it would not and does not matter.

So why the hell would I care?

Can't Let Go

I watched Vanilla Sky yesterday with Pau (my housemate that looked like Uma, hehe)… One of those boring Sunday afternoons. It drove me crazy. I like it and I don’t. I like it because it was a lunatic, schizophrenic movie – something that interests me. I don’t like it because it makes you think and the conclusions you draw in your mind are just plainly depressing. Aargghh…

These are the things only lunatics could understand.

“I’ll tell you in another life – when we are both cats.” -- Don't you just hate it when everything goes hanging and poof! -- this quote comes! What the...!? Noone ever proved reincarnation! Why just tell it to me now? Why tomorrow, why in another life? Because what you'll say might hurt me? Aww, gimme a break... yeah yeah, I know I am ranting. I just might hate this movie when I am already a cat... in another life. But as of the moment, I share its melodrama... Sigh!

"I think she's the saddest girl to hold a martini." -- Well what do you want? I hold a Baileys or Mr. Johnnny Walker? I AM NOT SAD so quit it! *one fat tear coming up*

"Do you remember what you told me once? That every passing minute is a another chance to turn it all around." -- Yes, like sixty seconds may just have to repair all the stupidities I've done.. You say it so perfectly, you !&*(@#^!!

"Just remember, the sweet is never as sweet without the sour, and I know the sour." -- Sounds familiar. I remember someone telling me, "How would you appreciate perfection without mistakes?" which of course, sliced my idiot brain again. Am I supposed to make mistakes? That's just like dooming my perfection.. Aacckk!!!

"My dreams are a cruel joke. They taunt me. Even in my dreams I'm an idiot... who knows he's about to wake up to reality. If I could only avoid sleep. But I can't. I try to tell myself what to dream. I try to dream that I am flying. Something free. It never works... " -- Dreams can turn out to be nightmares. Once again this bubble thought of a conversation: You can be everyone's dream. And yet, may be their nightmare too.. -- which gives me the idea... yes, maybe I am. Damn me.

Vanilla Sky

I have a story to tell -

On a humid Sunday noon, Akira woke up and felt an overwhelming bumness. She turned on the video player and inserted a movie. Pathetic as she was, this would be the first time that she will be watching Vanilla Sky when the flick was released years ago. Akira relished the mind-boggling movie for almost two hours. As the movie came to end, several big stones were crashing on her heart. Akira never felt so damn depressed for the first time in how many years. The ending? She cried.

Sequels of Nostalgia - Part III

Things I miss back home:

Places:

Tawhay - this is a "shack" (as in literally) where most of my barkadas make tambay. It is very sunoy "rugged and craggy" -- What I love about this place is the "homemade" food. They specialize in chili pork (goodness, heaven! I ate two and a half rice every time I order sizzling chili pork) and liempo. This is also the place for lazy afternoon -- just order pancit canton and coffee/Coke and voila! Solved!
21 Bar & Resto - I have heard that they already renovated the place to be a pure resto but this bar has so many memories (I remember one of my best friends crying when we jammed one time. Killer song: Caribbean Blue) This is where all genre of jammin meets: acoustic love songs, chill-out, reggae, house music, hiphop, everything!
The mountains and the beaches: Patag, Buenos Aires, Guintubdan, Calatrava, Canonoy, Lakawon... waahh!!!
Robinson's Mall - Pathetic?! Na-ah. This is the only decent mall in Bacolod where literally everybody goes. If you want to goad an enemy (warfreak!), go there. If you wanna see your crush on a Saturday, this is the place to go. Just be sure to come a little after 5 pm. This is the time the stampede starts.
La Salle Coliseum Lobby - Haha.. It was funny when one of my guy buds told me and my girl_friends that if there are stockholders of the coliseum lobby, that would be us. Well, we are there since our first year. It has become a meeting place, a crying corner, an ogling haven... simply the best!
Carla's house - Sleepovers? Lunch? Merienda? Problems? Where is the place to be? Carla's house. Stone's throw away from school, this will always be our comfort zone - lots of food, hehe, very nice people, TV, internet... and where reggae music is at its core (Kuya Pao -- her bro-- is the guitarist of Bacolod's local reggae band, the Wicked Tarsiers!) PERFECT!
My home = Sleep, PC games, eat and sleep. Need I say more?

Food:

If you read number 1, then you'll know its CHILI PORK!!!
Piaya... they were everywhere. Ube Piaya and Regular Piaya, coming up!
Chez Andre's pizza.. you'll forget your name, really! (0-o)
Carla's cooked and sumptous gourmets
Mom's ginataan.. waah...
Bob's steak and roast pork.. ahh...
authentic Bacolod Chicken Inasal

Activities:

Bumming, bumming, bumming! Bacolod is the place to be when you want to BUM!
Wallclimbing - I really want to pursue climbing here unfortunately I don't trust just anyone in belaying me... Hehe... And I can't seem to find a homey wall (is there such a thing as a homey wall?)
Malling - it is stress-free! On certain occasions though, you'll also blow your steam (hint: if your enemy's trailing behind you, hehe)
Trekking.. lots of mountains to climb...
Boardwork.. huhu...
Reggae and ska jammin..
Biking - I haven't brought my mountain bike. So all is doomed.

Sequels of Nostalgia Part II

I walked at the sidewalks towards the station. There were several students at the gate, smoking (in Bacolod, when you smoke, you are either a slut, an addict or some you-don't-wanna-know), waiting for their boy/girlfriends, eating Piaya and so on. I passed by the computer shop to check if some of my barkadas were there but it seemed deserted save from the bunch of hi-school brats who escaped from class.

I went up FET Building and climbed three flights of stairs before I arrived at the second door on the left wing. A small signage barricaded the door - Jamie@102.3, NBC Bacolod.

I entered the door and greeted Nong Carmelo who was at the recording room, cleaning the equipments. When I entered the DJ booth, I saw Trigger Manson tinkering with the console. He was already playing his last song -- The Scientist by Coldplay.

"Ei man, wassup?!" I said as I slumped on the chair across him.

"It was good! Just several boo-boos. Hahaha." He gleefully said. "I did not do the news."

"What?! Why not?!" I asked as I took over the jock seat and fixed the headphones.

"Because I can't find a decent article." he chuckled. I shrugged as I inserted John Rzeznik's I'm Still Here in CD1, Filter's Take a Picture on CD2, Finch's acoustic Letters To You in Mini-Player 3. There goes my playlist for the next fifteen minutes.

4...3...2...1

I pushed the On-AIR button.

"So there goes Coldplay with their hit track the Scientist and you're still locked in your only radio with the right attitude, Jamie102.3, who your radio should be. This is Akira Sky, playing your music until six in the evening. You could call me up at 7091137 though Trigger would be answering the phone." I winked at Chris (that's his real name! He pouted!) "That's right folks. Dial up now and chatter with your hearththrob DJ, cool Mr. Manson. Meanwhile, here is Goo Goo Doll's vocalist, John Rzeznik in the Treasure Planet's official soundtrack, I'm Still here only in Jamie@102.3, cool is our industry."

I pushed the OFF-AIR button and fell down into laughter as Chris jabbed me in the shoulders. Haha! He for one does not like to answer the phone because he has lots of gay stalkers. LOLZ! I took off my headphones as I checked the crossword puzzle for the day.

RRinnGG!

I looked at Trigger and he rolled his eyes desperately. The phone did not stop ringing.

Sequels of Nostalgia Part I

I squeezed my baby pillow as I snuggled under my blanket, trying to block the rays of the sun which is disturbing me from my beauty rest. I was about to drift back again to Dreamland when a moving UFO (or whatever) slumped me on my stomach and I had to cry out a big "OOFF!"

"Bugtaw na, nang! (Gising na, 'te!)" A mouse was screeching in my ears.

I covered my face with my pillow and groaned, praying that my kid sister would give me salvation. Just when I thought that she already left my room, she bounced like Tigger on the bed and sang, I'm Madeleine, I'm Madeleine, I may be very small..."

There goes my sleep.

I scrambled under the sheets and took her on the arms and tickled her big belly (such big stomach for a kid! Haha!) I then proceeded wrestling her until she was literally screaming for her life.

"Tama na, nang! Mamaaa!!!" She wailed, asking for my Mom's help. I smiled an evil grin -- mom's not here..

I stopped when I saw tears coming from her puppy little eyes -- before you even think I'm that bad, those were "tickle" tears and not because I was suffocating my sister to death or something.

I stood up and glanced at the wallclock -- 11:30 it registered. Aackk! I am so late. Marty's gonna kill me. We still got loads of marketing paper to finish.

I rushed to the bathroom and took a bath -- grabbed some white baby tee and jeans, put on my sneakers and cap -- voila! My fashion statement. I was about to leave when my lola called up to me.

"La ka pa kapanyaga malakat ka na?! (Hindi ka pa nagtatanghalian, aalis ka na?!)" She semi-scolded me.

"Cge lang. Sa skwelahan nalng. (Ok lang. Sa school na lang.)" I said as I gave her a peck on the cheek and grabbed my backpack and go.

"Nang, bakli ko donut! ('Te, bilhan mo ko ng donut!)" Lucerne shouted just when I was about to get out of the gate.

"Cge. Babye." I smiled as I flew her a kiss.

The hour ride from the house to school was excruciating. For one, it was noon for Pete's sake and second, I was hungry. Good thing I grabbed a chocolate bar before I left.

I arrived in La Salle 45 minutes after one. Our meeting was supposed to be 1. Har har! My bad! I headed straight towards Bob's Cafe and found Marty glaring at me. I grinned.

"Ano oras na?" He sarcastically said as he dotted on his watch.

I poked his shoulder and just smiled. I gave him my work and all the other stuff that I did. He shuffled through it and when I saw that he was quite pleased with what I've done, stood up.

"O diin ka naman makadto? (O san ka naman pupunta?)" He snapped as he munched on his french toast.

I tiptoed as I checked my reflection on the mirror. I fixed my cap and winked at Marty.

"I have boardwork, sorry! Just text me if you have any questions, ayt?!"